The A Day
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in the "Alexis" journal:[<< Previous 20 entries]
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08:52 pm
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thoughts
So I definately haven't written in this thing for a while. A lot has happened recently, especially in the last week or so. I have come to the biggest realization in my life, which is pretty important. I will not settle for being a second option to ANYONE, no matter what. I will be treated with respect and dignity and I will not settle for less. It is such bullshit when someone tells you one thing, and then does the other, bullshit. It's taken me a year and a half to realize this, but I suppose now is definately better than later. I have been used, whether or not the person using knows they're doing it or not. I'm sick of it and I'm done. No more. I was outside in the sun, thinking about all of this when I realized that I am not offered anything by this person that I don't already have. I have a boyfriend who truly loves me. I mean truly, he doesn't just say he does, he shows me by doing things like bringing my swedish fish at 1 in the morning because I'll be up for another 4 hours working on a paper. Or by bringing me little balloons that say I love you that I hit him on the head with. Or by just kissing me randomly and telling me everyday that I am amazing and worth it. I have great, true friends who do not just talk to me when things aren't going well for them and treat me like I'm a second option.
Essentially, someone can tell all the things they wish they had done, or will definately do...but unless they act on them, it is all BULLSHIT. I am so sick of feeling nauseous when I think about the past, so I'm done thinking about it. I put up a lie for myself to believe in, now I realize it's a lie and that it was all bullshit. One thing I cannot do is say I will never be there for that person again, because I cannot ignore someone if they truly need me. So if they by some crazy chance in hell read this, then I will be for them if truly needed, that I promise. But I cannot voluntarily subject myself to pain due to expectations that never were, never are, and never will be met. This is my realization and I am finally okay, and as happy as I can be. I've lost someone that was number one to me for two years, that has killed a part of me as cliche as it sounds. But I've gained an invaluable lesson. I hope no one else has to learn it. Goodnight ya'll.
Current Mood:  finally
Current Music: audioslave
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07:55 pm
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So it's been awhile...
So hey there anyone who ever reads this. It's been a crazy long time since I've written in it. I just got back from the land of Bush, yes Texas, and had an amazing time. The South definately has its percs and I would really like to live there for at least a few years at some point in my future life. My second family is there, and it was great being there when my family here is extremely disfunctional. All in all I have a great one, but right now is the hardest and most bazare our family situation has ever been in. Never though I would have to experience alcholism first hand, but I am and it is definately as hard to deal with someone who has it as everyone says it is. Oh well, things only get worse before they get better. I go back to school tomorrow. Next weekend I'm hoping to motivate my friends to go to Canada, we'll see how that goes. That's all for now, goodnight ya'll!
Current Mood:  school tomorrow! aaah!
Current Music: Jack Johnson
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03:57 am
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AAAAAAAAAH!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! okay, so it's 4 in the morning and I still have one paper to go. Gosh, I'm never going to procrastinate again, ever. Heh, that's kind of like saying you'll never drink again after a night of puking and then two weeks later you pound 4 shots in a row. grrrr....The only nice thing about his whole mess is that Aaron is wonderful. He suprised me and brought me a rose and sour patch kids for a study break at 10. Then at 1:30 after he was done celebrating a friend's birthday at a bar, he brought me some energy drinks and pepperoni hot pockets. Dear lord what a sweetheart. So basically i'm crazy i'm so tired. Mmmph...8 more pages to go. Good MORNING ya'll.
Current Mood:  tired as fuck
Current Music: Pearl Jam
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08:49 pm
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blah
I love how my titles are never very interesting, but I'm never clever enough that quick to come up with something on the spot. I think what I am most of these days is confused, mainly just confused about where my life is going. I guess no one really knows that, but I just wish it was easier to get there. I love my boyfriend, I love my friends, but disatisfaction is still there and it frustrates the shit out of me. Oh well I suppose, there's nothing I can really do about it. Goodnight Ya'll.
Current Mood:  confused
Current Music: ray
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02:02 am
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mmph
Why is it that whenever you get your hopes about something, they come crashing down around you and there's no way you can pick the pieces up?
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: nothing
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05:11 pm
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hmm....
Your Seduction Style: Ideal Lover |
You seduce people by tapping into their dreams and desires.
And because of this sensitivity, you can be the ideal lover for anyone you seek.
You are a shapeshifter - bringing romance, adventure, spirituality to relationships.
It all depends on who your with, and what their vision of a perfect relationship is. |
Current Mood:  registration
Current Music: taking back sunday
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11:36 am
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grrrrrrrr
So basically everything is going wonderfully except for the fact that my roommate's asshole boyfriend decides to show up. Dear lord I hate him, he is definately my least favorite person at the present moment. So there's my rant, now for the good things. I had a most excellent weekend with Aaron this weekend, we saw Constantine which I would recommend to anyone who like movies of that genre, I really enjoyed it.
We were soooooooo lazy though. I honestly think we went to bed at 3 most every night, but didn't get out of his house until 3 or 4 in the afternoon. I felt worthless, but at the same time it was soo amazing to just be a bum. I love you my bum!!! well, not MY butt, the bum known as Aaron, and his butt...so yeah. I'm a going to register for classes today, but the art one is closed so I don't know what the fuck I am going to do. Time will tell I suppose. So yeah, things are going alright, not stupendous, but I can't really complain (except when I think of the FuckFace known as Georgia's boyfriend). It's a beautiful day, enjoy it ya'll.
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01:26 am
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you know
Hey there. I'm really just in a great mood today. I got a lot of homework done, and I'll be on a plane at 12:00 pm on my way to see Aaron. 4 whole days with him!!! I don't really know what i'm going to do with myself, okay, well technically i do know, but still. He has some sort of suprise planned, i hate and love suprises...so we'll see. My roommate's asshole boyfriend dumped her again, I really hope that this is the last time that that has to happen. I really just wish she would realize what an amazing person she is and all the wonderful things she has to offer to someone who will acutally appreciate every aspect of her and not pick and choose the things he likes. G, I love you. I hope she does well this weekend without me here, I'm really quite worried. Mike, if you read this, watch out for her. That's all for now, the moon is just outside my window and is quite beautiful. Goodnight ya'll.
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05:56 pm
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a few words
So basically, hookah bars are where it's at. It was so much fun, I would definately recommend to anyone who ever goes to smoke the apple, it's good stuff. My Valentine's Day weekend was awesome, Aaron was wonderful and I love him. GOod times. Everyone, see Hitch. Goodnight ya'll
Current Mood:  flirty
Current Music: police
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12:59 pm
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Dear Lord
So this past week has basically been the most stressful I have ever experienced. I had three papers due today that have taken me the whole week to complete. I didn't even really procrastinate that hard core. AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!! I really need to take a moment and go into a sound proof room to just scream for a bit. However, I really think that all the papers are definately kick ass, so there's that. Also, Aaron is here!!!!! All I have to say is yay on that one. He's so wonderful. He got here yesterday and gave me my valentines day gift which was a picture frame full of pictures of us....so perfect. I also got some chocolate, you know me. So yeah, last night was fun. We're going to happy hour at my dad's office this afternoon so that Aaron can be bombarded by a bunch of crazy lawyers. Should be fun? Then we're going to eat some dinner and go see Hitch tomorrow!!!! I'm so excited for that movie, it looks most excellent. I'm debating whether or not to leave my political science class early today, I'm going to have to say that could very well happen. Well, that's all for now, it's a beautiful day so enjoy it ya'll!!!!!
Current Mood: eeh!
Current Music: radiohead
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07:44 pm
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grrrrrrrrrrr
FUCK THE PATRIOTS!!!!!!
Current Mood:  FUCK!
Current Music: espn theme
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12:51 pm
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BORED
Okay, so guess what. Right now I am sitting in the library totally NOT listening to the librarian give me a lecture about how to research that I've heard a thousand times. Oi, you'd think they'd realize not to give us internet, shit, we're college students. duh. Anyway, so this weekend was awesome.
I went to Spokane on Friday to visit Aaron for the weekend. My flight was 2 hours late taking off cause the altometer was broken, I'd think that was pretty important, so I'm glad they fixed it. I got there and Aaron drove me to his place and I met his drunken roommate. And guess what state he was in when I met him, drunk!!! He's still pretty cool though. Aaron made me dinner...pasta and lemon chicken in butter sauce. MMMMMMMM, i could use some of that while I'm kind of listenting to that woman talk. Then...three words...hottub, bubble bath, and floating candles. Well that was more than three words, so three things. Yeah, that was pretty frikkin awesome. Then we went to bed and got out of the house at like 2:30. Aaron suprised me and took me to an all cat zoo..it was sooooo cool! There was a 600 pound male lion there, holy shit that thing could have eaten me whole, no joke. Then we went to the Eastern vs. Montana basketball game and it was neat going to an actual college sports event. We ate at chili's and let me tell you, a bacon range hamburger there is nearly orgasmic, but very hard to eat. Then we watched Shaun of the Dead...oh dear, kind of fucked up, but oh so funny. I would recommend it. And then the night went horribly wrong. I became a dumbass to the extreme.
So we were lying in bed after the movie just talking about "us" and he told me he loved me and I love him too. I really do, I knew that a while ago but didn't say anything until now. Then we go goofy and he started tickling me or something, I can't even remember now, but I got frustrated and said "stop it christopher!". Okay, there is definately something wrong with this picture. The first is that Aaron's name is Aaron, not christopher. Second, Aaron is my boyfriend, and I just called him by the name of my ex. Not a good thing. He just looked confused, but I totally broke down. I cried for about half an hour, i couldn't believe I said it and I didn't understand why I did. Of course, Aaron was perfect and understanding and calmed me down and held me and made it "all better." So yeah, I was a moron, he was wonderful, i think that will be the continuing train.:). Why did I do it? Maybe cause I've been thinking about chris a lot lately, he was my best friend in the whole world and so much more, and now I've only really talked to him once in two months. It's so weird...so that's my explanation for being stupid. Anywho, I love you babe...thankyou for being you. That's all for now and that was a long ass entry, so I apologize. Good afternoon ya'll.
Current Mood: library...eeew!
Current Music: juliana theory
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12:31 am
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blah
The past hurts
Current Mood: confused
Current Music: greenday
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03:02 pm
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mmmmmmmpo
Well let's see. I got my new classes that are totally awesome yesterday. I had to run about 10 blocks to get there before the store closed. Me? Running? whoa. Anyway, I love them, it's nice not always having pieces of plastic suctioned to your eyeballs. My parents got me a plane ticket to go see Aaron on friday. So instead of being on a bus for 5 hours, I get to be on a plane for 1!!!!! I'm so excited and I definately cannot wait. I'm going to meet his drunken roommates too, which should be interesting. So I haven't had anything to drink alcohol wise since new years, and before that it was for a month. I'm definately in the mood to get shitty. I'm not an alcoholic, but for some reason it's just that time. I smoked some good shit after I talked to Aaron last night, maybe a bad idea, but I slept like a baby. I think that maybe a once a month type thing too. I have a shitload of homework to do before I leave on Friday, and wonderful Jessica is being kind enough to drive me to the Airport so i don't have to pay those ridiculous cab fees. So essentialy i'm doing well, but I miss me A terribly and I'm stressed about school. Life could definately be worse. Good Afternoon Ya'll.
Current Mood: stressed but excited
Current Music: Claude Debussy
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01:56 am
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sex survey
Sex Survey for the Repressed | Created by Lurath and taken 5651 times on bzoink! | | The Basics | | Male/Female | Female | | Heterosexual/homosexual/bisexual? | Heterosexual | | Are you certain of your sexual orientation? | I'm as straight as a board | | If not, why arn't you? If you are, how do you know? | Because I basically love hard penis | | Your age | 19 | | How often do you think about sex in a normal day? | ummmm....a lot, I'll admit it | | How often do you think about other sexual acts besides intercourse? | again, quite a bit | | Have you ever had sex? | yep | | Do you like... | | Vaginal sex | Oh yes | | Anal sex | no, not so much, been there, done that, not a huge fan unless it makes the guys day | | Oral sex | Recieving is wonderful, giving is too until I get lockjaw | | Fingering/handjobs | Meh, whatever kinda deal | | Something not mentioned above that you like | I love crazy fucking, there are three levels of sex, and that's one of them. The others are wonderful too | | Which of the above do you prefer? | In the vagina | | Intrests | | What (if any) fetishes do you have? | Ummm...vibrators are sweet, I love the v muscle thing that goes on on a guys hip bones | | Do you like sexual situations with more than one person? | Nope, I'm the star of my show | | With several people of the same sex? | Nope, straight as a board, remember? | | The opposite sex? | Nope, I can only handle one dick at a time | | Or even sexual situations with several people of diffrent sexes? | Nope again, I'm kinky, but not that much | | If you haven't tried any of the above, might you in the future? Why/Why not | No, me me me me | | Do you have a steady partner? | Yes | | Do you use protection? | Oh the pill is a wonderful thing | | How important is foreplay to you | Very | | The Kiss | | Do you like kissing people/a person? | I love kissing, it is the most important thing about foreplay | | What is your favorite part of kissing? | The long passionate kisses have to be it | | Tounge or no tounge? | Not too much, but yes | | Where is the best place to be kissed (on your body) | All over my neck or my collar bone | | Where is the worst place to be kissed (on your body) | ummm...the bung hole? | | Who do you wish you could kiss? | I wish I could kiss Billy Zane when he was 25 years old | | How important is kissing in a serious relationship? | Very important | | And... | | What's your favorite sexual position | missionary, cause I can just enjoy the ride, or side to side because it feels great. Even though doggy style isn't that intimate, I must say it has its plus | | Where is the oddest place you've ever had sex | Nordstrom dressing room | | Where do you want to have sex | Everywhere | | Would you mind if people watched? | Umm kinda, it would be weird. Although...drunk....goldfish...hoppy | | How important is sex in your life | Very, but not the most important | | Name a fantasy you have | To go to the bahamas and have sex on the beach and in a fabulous hotel all the time with roses and champagane and whip cream every where | | Do you like having sex... | | With toys? | Definately have done the toys, but don't worry fellas, the real thing is better | | In the dark or light? | Very subtle light | | Outside? | Have done it outside, bugs kinda not a fan of | | In costume? | meh, if the time was right, but I haven't yet | | In bondage? | NO!! not that kinda girl | | Submissive/dominate? | I like being both | | With lubricant? | it helps | | Flavored condoms? | nope | | With anything else unusual? | ummm....I'll try most anything once, as long as it's not too extreme (no bondage) | | Finally... | | Do you like this survey? | It's insitful | Create a Survey | Search Surveys | Go to bzoink! |
Current Mood: time to go to bed
Current Music: Green Day
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12:47 am
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Bladibla
These past couple of days have been kind of low key and uneventful. Aaron left on Tuesday :( and I wasn't very happy about it. Although recently I have become to think that Georgia and I are more like girlfriend and boyfriend than real girlfriends an boyfriends. When we argue, we sulk for an hour and then make up...and if we fight, it's like a break up...it's kind of ridiculous, but definately funny when she and I look at it that way. Anywho, I miss him very much (Aaron that is, not the male version of Georgia) and this long distance thing is extremely hard. But this past weekend wouldn't have been nearly as awesome if I hadn't seen him for two weeks before that. Mauh babe!!! Well, I'm watching Misery, creepiest thing ever, and then I'm going to read like 1000 pages. Well maybe not that much, but pretty damn close to it. That's all for now folks. Goodnight ya'll.
Current Mood: mmph
Current Music: Jet, Look what you've done
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12:30 pm
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woohoo!!!
1985 by Bowling for Soup |
"Where's the mini-skirt made of snakeskin?
And who's the other guy that's singing in Van Halen?
When did reality become T.V.?
What ever happened to sitcoms, game shows?"
You took the bitter with the sweet in 2004 - and kept laughing.
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So this weekend was essentially wonderful, and it still is...why? cause Aaron is here!!!! I get to spend 5 days with this wonderful man...it's pretty amazing. Still no complaints, except for maybe the passive aggressivness...."if you want" (muah!). Anywho, we went to the aquarium on saturday....I could spend hours there and otters are still sooo damn cute! We saw an octopus fed, he was a big mother fucker too. It was pretty rad. The day before, we ate dinner with his mom and her boyfriend. I really like his mom a lot. Last night, we did the old switcharoo and had dinner with mine. My dad of course, became all intellectual..and Aaron kept up, which is excellent. My mom was being my mom...but I think she likes him, which is definately good for me. Oh, and yesterday we also went SHOPPING!!! woohoo..I haven't done that in a while. So essentially what I'm trying to say is that I'm doing pretty frikkin awesome, which I'm very excited about. However, to add some bittersweet, cause there always is some right? I haven't heard anything about my former bestfriend in a month and a half. That amount of time just seems ridiculous to me. It's even weird saying former, I really just can't believe things ended the way they did and I catch myself feeling pretty down about it sometimes. Like when I see favorite things, or just silly things that remind. Oh well I suppose, I have a great life right now...school and friends and a boyfriend. But still...I'm human and I can't help but think what if I was still friends with him. Most likely for the best that I'm not. Anywho, enough with the depressing contemplation. I'm off to enjoy another spectacular rainy day. Good afternoon ya'll.
Current Mood:  happy
Current Music: audioslave
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05:56 pm
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I HATE BEING A WOMAN
Garsh. Today I went to my Gyno appointment. Oh the punishment of having sex (with one person of course). I had my first pelvic exam, my Obstetrition is a woman, so I felt like a lesbian. At least she used KY. Oi...at least it's over with...still kind of traumatic though. Then I went to Quiznos, then I went to get my service learning contract signed, and now I'm about to go do a shitload of homework. Aaron is coming in 20 hours, I'M SO EXCITED. Yay. Well, that's all, I apologize to any dudes who read this, I know you're not interested in my vagina woes, but deal. Goodnight ya'll.
Current Mood: violated!!!
Current Music: billie holiday, strange fruit
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10:11 pm
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meh
Today was so so. I had three classes, all of which were so so. Had a good talk with G about her ex boyfriend situation, and talked to my A. Again, he's wonderful. I only have to wait less than two days to hold him and fall asleep with him. Cliche I know, but you all know it's a wonderful feeling. I did jack shit in the homework realm. I think I'm just drained out from doing so much yesterday. I read from about 2 in the afternoon...to 1:30 in the morning, with a total of about 2 hours worth of breaks. I was woken up at 3:30 by the strong urge to vomit, which is still unexplicable, and Georgia's asshole ex calling at 4 cause he has "issues." Yeah, that's NEVER going to happen again with the threat of death. All in all, still doing okay. Goodnight ya'll.
Current Mood: tired
Current Music: Tal Bachman, If You Sleep
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09:11 pm
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too much reading
Okay, I love to read, but I've probably read about 150 pages and I'm still not done. It's ridiculous. I don't understand it. I guess it's my punishment for switching to philosophy. I went to the eye doctor's today and it totally didn't go the way I wanted it to. For one thing, my vision is way worse, I have a stigmatism in my left eye, and I have to wait a whole week more to get contacts and glasses. mmmmph. Nothing great happened today, the only good thing really was talking to Aaron. I know I say this a lot, but I am so lucky that I found this boy. Makes me happy, which i need. I'm sick of my roommate talking to her ex. She's probably one of the six people in my life that are the most important to me right now, but honestly, I hate him, so it's really hard for me to be supportive of her talking to him when every word he utters is bullshit. I just hope she lives and learns and doesn't get too hurt in the process. I love you Georgia, but I'm goin nuts. Anywho, I'm waiting for my partner in history to get here and she's 15 minutes late. Oi. Goodnight ya'll.
Current Mood: BAH!
Current Music: If I told you this was killing me, Juliana Theory
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